Jun. 28 - Self Forgiveness on missing an appointment

This is with regards to a follow up appointment that I had made with someone.

I discussed with andrea that we will meet again in 2 weeks from that day - a tuesday. I wrote the appointment down in my appointment book. When I left the building, I felt relieved - I was glad I had 'extra time'. Somehow I placed the date of the appointment in my mind as being in July instead of June.
I do not remember this moment.
As the days passed from that day, I did my thing each day and in my mind my next appointment with andrea was 'in July'. This was accompanied by an experience that 'I am safe as long as it is still June', I don't have to worry about the appointment until July.
Then yesterday, June 27, I checked my appointment book and saw that I had actually written down our next appointment as being on June 22 - which means I missed the actual appointment.
When I saw this I reacted with anxiety, dread, fear, regret, disappointment, shame. I immediately saw that I had been trusting what I saw in my mind this whole time, I had trusted my placement of the appointment as being in July -- even though this was not written down anywhere and was simply me believing that the next appointment is in July.

So, what did I do? After my appointment with andrea, I didn't want to 'worry' or 'concern' myself with our next appointment because in my mind I now had 'all this time' until our next appointment. In my mind I placed our next appointment as being in July - and thus I didn't have to concern myself with the appointment as long as it was still June.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to abdicate my responsibility for keeping track of my appointment, to my mind, because in my mind I was able to make the appointment seem like it was further away - and within this I was able to feel more relaxed and as long as I held that point in my mind I did not have to keep track of it in actuality.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to neglect taking responsibility for my appointment, because I didn't feel like giving it attention, because I didn't want to feel stressed out.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that the appointment itself was the cause of my stress - instead of realizing that the cause of my stress is me - and that I have defined the appointment as 'stressful' -- why? Because I have defined 'making appointments' as something 'business' related, and 'who I am' is not good at 'business' related things. I have defined myself and placed myself as 'less than' business related things.
I have defined and placed myself as 'inferior' to business related things.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as 'not good at business related things'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place myself and define myself as 'inferior' to business related things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define business related things as 'stressful'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that whenever I get involved with something 'business' related - that I will experience stress, and that I should experience stress.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define myself as a 'creative' person - as defined by someone who is not good at 'business' things, but is rather good at 'art things'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define creativity as 'making art'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define 'creativity' as meaning 'not good at doing non-art things'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define business related activities / things as 'hard'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define the word 'hard' as meaning 'something that causes and creates stress in me.'
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to 'not want to do or be involved in business related activities and things' -- within having defined myself as being a 'creative' person as define by someone who only does 'art things' and does not do 'business related things'.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have an idea about myself that I am 'not good at' business related activities and things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear the word business.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear being and becoming involved in business related activities and things.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to fear speaking to people in a 'business related' situation.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to place the expectation on myself that in 'business related' situations, I will be
and experience myself as 'stressed'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind to escape the business related situation I found myself in - because I did not want to face and confront and take responsibility for the situation because I was stressed.

So I used my mind as a way to escape from the stress I experienced, and the way I escaped from the stress, was to in my mind believe that I had 'more time' in which to not have to deal with / participate in the business related situation. the more time I have, the less stressed I am. Within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to define participating in / being involved in business related situations and activities is 'stressful' - instead of realizing that it is not the situation itself that is stressful, nor is the the thing that situation is related to - I myself am the cause and creator of my stress through ideas, definitions, beliefs, judgments, opinions.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to have the opinion that business and business related situations and activities are 'stressful'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to hide from my experience of myself by using my mind to escape into an alternate, projected reality that is the reality I would 'prefer' to experience. I used my mind to place myself into a time frame that made me feel less stressed.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use my mind to escape from my experience of stress in relation to my appointment, by creating an alternate time frame in my mind in which I have 'more time' before my appointment.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe in what I see and experience through and within my mind as thoughts and projected situations, and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind, through having accepted and allowed myself to believe in my mind.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe that thoughts and projections in my mind are actually in fact indicating and representing a real situation and that thus my thoughts and projections in my mind can be trusted.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to want, need and desire a way to cope with my experience of myself. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in using my mind as a way to cope with my experience of myself, by creating thoughts, projections, fantasies, pictures that reflect / are based in what I would prefer to experience, and how I would prefer my situation to exist.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to trust my mind instead of trusting me here in and as breath.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to not take responsibility for what I am responsible for.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to use thoughts and projections and fantasies to feel okay about my situation, instead of
facing any experience of myself as being 'not okay', and taking self responsibility for my experience by identifying how I have created my experience, and
applying self forgiveness.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to become addicted to 'coping' with my experience, within allowing myself to believe that any 'quick fix' experience I am able to have is actually the solution to my experience - instead of realizing that in covering up my experience / suppressing my experience with a 'better' experience - I am actually not solving my experience / not making my experience 'go away'.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to try and make my experience 'go away' through covering up my experience / suppressing my experience using an energetic veil to create the illusion that I am having a 'different' experience.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that whatever experience I am having - is the truth of me, is showing me the truth of what I accept and allow in myself, as myself - and within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I can 'change' my experience by covering it up with another experience as an energetic veil, instead of realizing that I am only ever hiding from the truth of me, within an energetic veil as illusion within which I am avoiding taking responsibility for what I accept and allow.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to judge myself for hiding from my experience and not taking responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to regret not taking responsibility.
I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to see the gift in this - which is that now I see how to be more effective, and see how I was making my experience more difficult through having participated in my mind. Now I see that I have been allowing myself to trust my mind - to trust my thoughts and the projected situations I see in my mind, in separation from reality, from what is actually happening Here.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize that when I am experiencing anxiety about the future - I am creating that experience through participating in my mind. I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to realize and see that the reason I experience anxiety in relation to a future situation, is because I have placed myself as less than that situation - I am fearing that situation. I see I am experiencing anxiety / fear in relation to my appointment with andrea - and I see that this is because I am still placing myself as less than the situation, I am fearing that I will stumble over my words or do something incorrectly.

In this case, the thing I am fearing is the moment when it is time to go over the contract / payment options -- in my mind I am seeing myself as not knowing exactly what to say and do -- I am fearing that it will be awkward and that I will not be able to explain everything clearly.

What is the solution? Learn the material. Familiarize myself with what I am required to understand, so that it is no longer unfamiliar.
There is no other solution.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to, instead of simply learning what I am required to understand - go into my mind and place myself in an imaginary situation in the future in which I did not learn what was required to be learned.
Why would I do this? that is completely unnecessary and does not accomplish anything. This also shows that I am believing that I will 'not be able to' or am not 'capable' of learning what is required to be learned and understood.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to believe I am 'not capable' of learning and understanding what is required to be learned and understood. And within this I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to then worry about / imagine situations in which I will be required to understand what it is I believe I am not capable of understanding.

I forgive myself that I have accepted and allowed myself to participate in the mind as beliefs instead of participating Here, physically, directing myself in every breath within taking responsibility for what I see is required to be don - and not accepting or allowing myself to compromise my physical participation and directiveness through going into my mind and participating in projected alternate realities.

I forgive myself that I have not allowed myself to be here as breath in every moment - and to within being here as breath, simply do what is required to be done, do what is relevant to be done Here in the physical - instead of going into my mind and creating / participating in imaginary situations and scenarios.